Good morning, students. Before we get to today’s lunch menu, I have a few announcements. In compliance with the new “Religion in School” Supreme Court Ruling, the following schedule changes are now in effect:
*All Muslim students are excused from classes at noon and 2:30 for prayer. We have set aside a room in the east wing. Coach Randalf has volunteered to issue the adhan over the loudspeaker. He apologizes in advance for his southern accent.
*All Jewish students are excused from class at 1:30 for the Minchah prayers. Reform and Liberal students are excused from the excusal, unless it will break their grandmother’s heart.
*Hindu, Buddhist, Unitarian and Baha’i students are allowed to leave class at any time for meditation. Hindu students are also excused for yoga. Coach Randalf has recently returned from India, where he was trained in a 6-week ashram, so he will lead.
*Eastern Orthodox students are excused at 9, 12, and 3 for Third, Sixth, and Ninth hour prayer services with Father Randalfzywiki
*Catholic Students are excused until 9:30, so they may attend daily Mass, followed by coffee and rolls, in the Gym.
*Evangelical students are excused from 9:30-2:30 for daily services. Snakes will be provided with a parental waiver.
*Lutheran, Anglican, and Methodist students are allowed to quietly gather after school. Time was offered during the school day, but parents didn’t want to raise a ruckus.
*Atheist students are invited to Coach Randolf’s 9:45 discussion in the Nietzsche Memorial Library. Agnostics are invited, but are asked to keep their questions to the end.
All females, (Students, Teachers, and Staff) are required to move off-campus to the designated Shame Tent (on the far side of the football field) for the weeks before, during, and after menstruation. Please make sure to leave before practice begins, to avoid contaminating the players with your curse.
The Lunch Period will now start at 10:15 AM, to allow time for pre-meal prayers, which will be done on a rotating basis. In addition, students now have a choice in Kosher, Halal, Old Testament, Hindu, Vegetarian, Vegan, Raw, or Regular. Atheists and Agnostics are asked not to eat shellfish or bacon outside of the roped-off Bacon Corner.
In order to accommodate various complaints, all science classes now require a parental permission slip for enrollment. Those who do not turn in such a slip will take a series of Kansas approved classes on dinosaur husbandry, taught by Coach Randalf.
All other classes are cancelled.